For the past couple of weeks I have had several conversations with both Black American male and female friends about being in relationships. I have come to a conclusion that the majority of black men of today have become a disappointment to the black women and the Black race as a whole.
I know one might think that the comment I made above was harsh; however, the truth hurts and being a Black man myself, I feel its imperative to write this blog.
Several weeks ago, my friend Jennifer had this quote in her Gmail status: “Black men are playas and white men want to commit”. At first I was offended by the comment but then I began to think about all my Black male friends who are and were in relationships and none of them were faithful. Then I thought about my white male friends and they all were committed in their relationships. I am not at all implying that all white men are faithful, but the majority of white men are not afraid to commit.
For instance, I have a friend who just got married three months ago. I recently saw him at a nightclub with his wedding band on his key chain! I asked him where his ring was. He said, “On my key chain,” with a smile. All I could do was look and shake my head in shame. This is just one of several issues that I encounter when I talk with a lot of my friends about relationships. This issue is not that my friends are married, because God forbid that you catch black men wanting to be married; however, they have a main girlfriend with two or three other women on the side.
When I hear these stories of my friends being in a committed relationship but choosing to cheat, I ask them why they do it. They tell me: (1. They are too young to be committed (2. Their girl made them mad so they cheated (3. Their girl is the one they’re going to marry but they got to “get some” now before they put that ring on her finger (4. “I only got some head.”
When we as Black men cheat on the beautiful Black Queen that we are with it affects her more than anything we as men could imagine. If you look back almost 400 years ago, Black women were much more than just the backbone of the family – she was the leader of the family. Throughout slavery, black women would clean the master’s house, work in the fields, clean her own home lived, cook breakfast and dinner for the master and her family, get raped by her master, take care of the master’s children and her own children, and may have even gotten beaten by her husband because he was helpless and frustrated at being unable to provide for his family. Not only was the Black woman a provider, but also a fearless leader like Harriet Tubman, Sojourner Truth, Congresswoman Barbara Jordan, and Dorothy Height, just to name a few.
Not only did the Black women of the past lay a foundation for us, but the Black women of today are continuing to do the same. But as black men we decide to walk all over them, take advantage of them, choose not commit to them, disrespect them, lie to them. Black women are the ones that love us Black men, and we have to treat our Black women with the respect and love that they deserve.
Another trend with Black men is their lack of desire to get married. I have heard the same stories over and over again about Black men being with the same women for five years or more, but never proposing or even attempting to take the relationship to the next level. Their reasoning for this is “I’m not ready”, “I don’t want to be tied down”, “I love her, but I’m not ready for that next step.”
One might ask why the women don’t leave after a certain point, and may suggest that it’s her fault for staying with him for that long without a commitment anyway. Anyone can make pass judgment when they aren’t in that particular situation; however, we have to think about what’s going through that woman’s head. (1.She figures that one day he’s going to come around because she knows he loves her and he tells her that everyday (2. She feels that he treats her like a queen and she knows that there’s aren’t that many Black men out there that compare to him or (3. She doesn’t want to be alone so she will lower her standards in order to not be alone.
Furthermore, if your a Black woman, its hard to find that working Black man that you want when one out of 25 Black men between 20 - 29 will die, or that for every one Black man that attends a UC or State school in California five Black men go to prison, and the majority of Black men are in jail and the small percentage that actually have a good job or a college education are too busy being a playa and don’t have a desire to settle down.
Today Black men view Black women as more of an object than as a person. One reason for this stems from Black women being oversexualized in music videos and through other imagery in the media. This doesn’t provide an excuse for the way Black men treat Black women. Black men need to realize that what’s being depicted in videos doesn’t represent every Black woman and, even if it did, Black women still deserve respect, honesty, love, and commitment.
This is an open letter to my Black men to challenge them to respect our Black women, to cherish them, hold them, worship them, and most importantly, to love them
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1 comment:
Ironically, a friend of mine had that same message up and I now realize that your friend and my friend are friends (small world). Anyway, when I read it I was offended. My group of friends eventually got into an argu..ehmm discussion about it. The truth is that as a black woman I am privileged enough to be friends with Black men that are great. I can't judge anyone, but myself so I'll say that sometimes I tolerate things I should't, I'm not patient enough and at other times not even willing to try.
So yes, I think men can do better. But I also have faith that black love works.
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